Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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