Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
