Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
