I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
