I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
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