I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
