You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Found your dick twin last night
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
