I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
