I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
