3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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