my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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