the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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