So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
