Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
