New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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