shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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