it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
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