I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
