I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
