My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
