Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
