Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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