Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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