So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
