This girl is more easily done than said...
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
