Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
