worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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