How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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