Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
