Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
