He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
pop tarts are not kleenex
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
