The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
