I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
