Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
