Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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