Tell her she can't have a vagina
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
