I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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