you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
