Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
