dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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