I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
