One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
