You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
