We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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