the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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