I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
