He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
