happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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