i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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