my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i think i have two assholes
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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