Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
